|Black holes are where God divided by zero.|
Dumb Criminals in the News
The Cost of Vanity
The police in Manchester, NH had no trouble finding the woman who robbed a pharmacy. A witness saw her flee the scene and noted that her license plate displayed her name - "B USHER." They tracked down the car to a Bonnie Usher, arrested her the threw her In jail.
Even Worse Vanity
A guy breaks into a house and robs it of jewelry and a wallet. The owner confronts the thief and they fight. The thief gets away, jumps in his car and drives off, but not before something falls out of his car - a T-shirt with his picture on it! The black shirt had his mug shot with the slogan: "Making money is my thang."
He turned himself in two day later after his picture was broadcast over the news.
Who Would Rob a Pizza Joint?
So these two guys decide to pull off a robbery. They go to their favorite pizza place and wait for it to close. The owners leave with a bag full of money, just what they wanted. They follow them. After they put on masks, they confront the pizza guys, pull out a gun and demand that they turn over the bag. They do.
The bag is full of dough - pizza dough.
The guys were caught and they're being held on $1 million bail.
Two in a Row
A guy goes to the bank to withdraw some money. He fills out a form with his name and account number. When the teller tells him that he doesn't have that much money in his account, he threatens her and demands money.
So the police already have his name and address from the form he filled out and know what he looks like from the surveillance video.
Then he walks across the parking lot into a restaurant and orders a rib platter. After eating, he walks out without paying. The restaurant calls the police. Their description is the same as the bank robber's. The restaurant manager follows the guy into the parking lot until the police catch up.
The entire thing is caught on city cameras.
Not wanting to be bothered with small counterfeit $100 bills like most crooks, this woman in Lowell, Massachusetts printed up a $10,000 bill and took it to a bank (duh) to have it exchanged for smaller bills.
The staff was immediately suspicious and easily determined that it was fake. There are only an estimated 300 of the $10,000 bills left and most are in the hands of collectors. The US Secret Service was called in and the police arrested her.
Did You Forget Something?
Sometimes a crook makes it just too easy. Police say they had no trouble finding the guy who stole a pair of jeans from a department store. He wore the new ones out and left his old ones in the dressing room, along with his wallet in the pocket.
The police found him and his companion after they later ducked out of a restaurant without paying the bill. A search of their apartment found evidence of lots of other apparent thefts they thought they had gotten away with.
A 47 year old man robbed a Native American gift shop of a $10,500 beaded ceremonial garment and fled in his car. The owner called the police who responded, finding the man walking on the highway near the shop. He must have been short on cash (thus needing to steal the garment) because he ran out of gas about 50 feet from the store.
You wonder if this guy thought he was Evel Knievel. He robs a bank then makes his getaway on a bicycle. Not so bad, so far, although, not real smart, either. The police are called and spot a suspect on a bike several blocks away with a camouflage bandana around his neck. The thief was reported to have a camouflage bandana on his face.
So they chase him and the guy doesn't stop. The police pursue until they can maneuver their car in front of the bike. But the guy still doesn’t stop. He hits the patrol car and goes flying over the hood. His back pack comes off and the money pours out. The guy is unfazed, gets up and runs off. He's caught a half a block away.
Like a Baby
A family woke up one morning to find a man sleeping on the floor in the hallway. They called the police who arrested the man and charged him with breaking and entering.
When the manager arrived to open up the convenience store, he noticed a pair of feet dangling from the ceiling, so he called the police. When they arrived they extricated the dangler. He had removed a ventilation cover and crawled through a vent, then got stuck. This had set off the fire extinguisher which sprayed powder all over the store.
When asked what he was doing up there, the man said he and his buddies had been playing hide-n-seek on the roof and he had hidden in the ventilation system. His friends had given up looking for him and left.
The police weren't convinced.
Poor Sense of Direction
A man walked into a convenience store, stole two cell phones and ran out. But he got lost. So he flagged down a car to ask for directions to an address. Unfortunately, he flagged down the investigating officer who was on his way to that very address. The thief had dropped a piece of paper when he fled. The address was on it.
He was found with the two phones in his possession and was arrested.
Police found six potted marijuana plants in a wooded lot and confiscated them. They left a note for the owner saying, “Thanks for the pot! If you want them back, call for the price.” Ten minutes later they got a phone call. The owner offered to pay $200 to get the plants back. A meeting was arranged where he was promptly arrested.
A man on probation dressed up as a policeman and flagged down a car with the intent to rob the driver. Only problem was that the driver was an off duty police officer.
Three guys broke into an apartment, thinking there would be gobs of money to steal. But they had the wrong apartment and only got a three foot beer bottle shaped piggy bank with about $2.00 in it.
Worse than that, when the apartment tenant fought with them, one of them dropped the keys to their get away car! The police located the car by pressing the car alarm. Using the registration information, they went to owners residence and found the three guys sitting in a taxi outside.
Location is Everything
What could this guy have been thinking when he entered a police officers' convention and robbed an officer at gun point as he came out of a stall in the men's room?
The officer gave him his money and cell phone. But when he fled, the officer and two others chased him are caught him as he was trying to get into a taxi.
What Else Could He Do?
Since this car thief had no way to get to his court appearance, he stole 2000 Range Rover to use to drive there. An officer used the Range Rover's LoJack system to locate the vehicle. It was found with the crook sitting inside it, outside the court house.
Not Only Was He Caught on Camera…
This guy robbed a bank of $4,000 while visiting a friend. The whole thing was caught on camera. When his friend saw his image on the news, he turned him in. As if that weren't incrimination enough, he posted this message on his MySpace page, "On tha run for robbin a bank Love all of yall."
He pleaded guilty.
Better To Be Caught Than Be Dead
The manager of a pizza parlor arrived early to work and discovered a pair of men's legs dangling from the vent above the ovens. The man was yelling, "Help me. Help me." He had been stuck up there five of six hours.
If the manager had not come in early and the ovens had turn on automatically, the man would have been asphyxiated.
A suspect leading the police on a 70 mph car chase drove over spike strips. When his tires went flat, he jumped out of the car and ran into a nearby field, thinking he could hide in the grass.
The police got a dog and handler to locate him, but they weren't necessary because they guy's cell phone rang, leading the police right to him.
Didn't You Think This Through?
A man wanted for bank fraud stole a car and drove to Mexico. After he was there for a while, he started a Facebook page, bragging about what a good time he was having. He used his real name, although his profile was private. But his friends were not private. One of them had an affiliation with the Justice Department.
The police contacted the friend and asked him to call. He did call and told the police that he had met the crook at a bar in Cancun and had no idea he was on the lam. He made a trip back there, met up with the guy and found out where he lived. End of story.
Should Have Read His Fortune Cookie
A man robbed a Chinese restaurant. He asked for change for a quarter. When the cashier opened the cash register, he grabbed $150 dollars and fled. The owner yelled, "Robbery, police!"
The police responded immediately. Four off duty officers were having dinner at the restaurant at the time of the robbery. They chased the thief and caught him after a brief foot chase.
We Don't Take That Kind of Money
A man stopped for gas and offered to pay for it with marijuana. The clerk called the police who found not only marijuana, but also cocaine and Oxycodone pills. They guy went to jail.
We Have a Match
A man entered a bank, took a note out of his wallet and handed it to the teller, demanding money. He got off with $800, but left his wallet on the counter. Inside it were two photo IDs, his Social Security Card and a criminal registration card. His picture matched that on the surveillance camera.
No Brains At All
A woman entered the courthouse and placed her purse on the scanning device. Officers detected a knife, a scissors, a razor and a padlock. When the dumped out the contents of the purse, they found a bag of marijuana. She was arrested.
Out of Towner
A woman was stopped by the police when she drove around a barricade at the scene of an accident. She drove past two squad cars and the officers directing traffic. She stopped when she saw the accident.
Police checked her license and car registration only to find out that the car was stolen in another state. When asked why she hadn't stopped, she replied that she wasn't "from around here."
He should have stuck to selling Fuller Brushes. But instead, he went door to door trying to sell marijuana. Having no luck, he kept trying until he rang the bell of an off duty police officer.
The officer said he would be right back, then went to get his badge and hand cuffs. The guy was arrested.
Old Age Jokes
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