|The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.|
Church Bulletin Mistakes
These items actually appeared in a church bulletin somewhere. Really.
For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery in the basement.
A bean supper will be served on Wednesday night. Music will follow.
Please put your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Tuesday at 7:00 P.M. Please use the back door.
There will be try outs for the choir this Wednesday. They need all the help they can get.
The peacekeeping meeting scheduled for Monday night has been canceled due to a conflict.
This morning's sermon: Jesus Walks on the Water
Ladies, remember the rummage sale which is coming up in two weeks. It's a chance for you to get rid of some things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Pray for those who are sick of our community. Smile at the person who is hard to love. Say, "Hell," to the person who doesn't care much about you.
Carrie Johnson and Sam Showalter will be married on October 10 th. So ends a friendship which began in grade school.
Six new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new choir members and the deterioration of some older ones.
There will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church tonight at 7:00. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
St. Mark's will host an evening of fine dining, great entertainment and gracious hostility.
After the Rector preaches his farewell message, the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."
Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
Tonight's sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early to listen to our choir practice.
Our youth basketball team is raring to go. Their next game is Saturday at 10:00 A.M. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
The potluck supper begins at 5:00 tonight. Prayer and medication to follow.
The Fasting and Prayer conference is scheduled for next Friday and Saturday. It includes meals.
The Ladies Bible Study is scheduled for Tuesday morning at 9:00. All ladies are invited to the Fellowship Hall when the B.S. is finished.
Miss Smith sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," which gave obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The Scouts will be collecting aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycles. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast on Sunday.
The pastor has unveiled our church's new tithing campaign slogan: "I upped my pledge - Up yours."
Our eighth graders will be performing Hamlet in the church basement on Wednesday night at 7:00. Everyone is invited to attend this tragedy.
The Weight Watchers group will meet at 7:00 P.M. at the Methodist Church. Please use the wide double door at the side entrance.
There are some questions which can't be answered by Google.
The meek shall inherit the earth, if it's all right with you.
When you pass this little church, be sure to pay a visit, so when at last you carried in, God won't ask, "Who is it?"
Let us help you study for your final exam.
Gambling is a sin. Bet you can't give it up.
Each service is different. We leave the reruns to TV.
Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the snake. And the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.
We are the soul agents in this area.
Down in the mouth? Come in for a faith lift.
Can't sleep? Don't count sheep. Talk to the shepherd.
Almost 2000 years old and still under the maker's guarantee.
Happy Easter to our Christian friends. Happy Passover to our Jewish friends. To our atheist friends, Good Luck.
A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were good friends. At the town's annual 4th of July picnic one year, the priest teased the rabbi saying, "This baked ham is delicious. You should try it. I know you're not supposed to, but what would it hurt? You haven't lived until you've had some of Mrs. Miller's baked ham. Tell me, now, when are you going to break down and try it?"
To which the rabbi answered, "At your wedding."
We're Having Goat for Dinner?
A young couple invited their minister to dinner after church. While the couple was in the kitchen, the minister asked their son if he knew what they were going to have. "Sure," he said, "we're having goat."
"Goat!" said the minister. "Are you sure?"
"Yup," said the boy. "I heard my dad say, 'Now's as good a time as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
We'll Be Quite
On the way to church, a Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Now, why is it necessary to be quite in church?"
A little boy knew the answer, "Because people are asleep."
Old Age Jokes
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