|Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.|
Funny Clean Jokes
Lipstick and Twelve Year Olds
According to a news report, a small private school in Washington was having a problem. It seemed that a group of twelve year old girls were bringing lipstick to school and putting it on in the restroom. That was fine. But the problem was that after they put it on, they would all kiss the mirror, leaving dozens of lip prints for the janitor to clean off. Every night they were cleaned off. The next day, more lip prints on the mirror.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the restroom where she waited with the janitor. She explained that the lip prints were causing extra work for him because he had to clean them off every night. The girls rolled their eyes, stared at the ceiling and did their best to look bored.
To show the girls how hard it was to clean the mirror, she asked the janitor to show them how much effort was required. He took a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in a toilet, then cleaned the mirror with it. After that, there were no more lip prints on the mirror.
Sign in the Birdwatcher's General Store, Orleans, Massachusetts:
To save energy, we've replaced our security camera with a sketch artists.*
*Please shoplift slowly.
I'm Not Bragging
Not that I'm bragging or trying to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore when I was in high school.
When the 98 year old Mother Superior from a convent in Ireland was on her death bed, the nuns gathered around her to make her journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk, but she refused it. As one of the nuns went to the kitchen to take back the glass of milk, she remembered the bottle of Irish Whisky they had received the previous Christmas. She opened the bottle and poured a generous amount into the warmed milk.
She returned to Mother Superior's bed, held the glass to her lips and encouraged her to drink it. Mother did drink a little, then she drank a little more, then more and pretty soon she'd drunk the last drop.
The nuns said, "Mother, please give us some words of wisdom before you die."
Mother Superior raised herself up in the bed and said, "Don’t' sell that cow!"
Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.
Beauty Parlor: The place women go to curl up and dye.
Committee: A group of people who keep minutes and waste hours.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist: A person who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Handkerchief: Cold storage.
Inflation: How to cut money in half without damaging the paper.
Mosquito: An insect which makes you like flies.
Raisins: Grapes with sunburn.
Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.
Toothache: A pain which drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.
Yawn: On honest opinion expressed openly.
Wrinkles: What other people have. They are similar to my character lines.
Joey had heard the stories his whole life. It seemed that they had a family tradition. His father, grandfather and great grandfather had all walked on water on their 21 st birthday.
Joey eagerly awaited his the day when he, too, could walk on water. It finally came. On his 21 st birthday, he and his buddy Bill took the rowboat out to the middle of the lake. Joey stood up and stepped out of the boat. He sank, nearly to the bottom. Bill pulled him back into the boat, a drenched, disappointed mess.
When they got back to shore, Joey found his grandmother and asked her why he hadn't been able to walk on water like his father, grandfather and great grandfather.
"You dummy," his grandmother said. "Your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January when the lake was frozen. You were born in July!"
Old Age Jokes
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